Smiley Face

      I am not a pothead and never have been one, yet I found Harold and Kumar to be hilarious, so I am not against stoner films, I am just against unfunny ones.  I picked this movie to watch because I am a fan of Anna Faris and think she is one of the funniest actresses working in films today.  I also noticed that the movie had a lot of funny people in small roles like Jane Lynch (Glee), Adam Brody (The OC) and John Krasinski (The Office) but holy hell was this movie unfunny.
      I have to admit, I did not watch this whole movie, so it might have gotten better, but after watching more than a half hour of it and not laughing or even smiling once, I couldn't take it anymore.  I even tried to watch it 3 times, but decided there was nothing on this earth that could have forced me to watch another second.
        The movie is ugly to look at (dull colors, Anna Faris looks awful and boring sets) unfunny and squanders the talents of many funny individuals.  Everything in this movie was either terrible or dull or both combined.  You can get enjoyment out of bad action films, dramas and sci-fi movies, but the worst thing a movie can do is not make you laugh when that is its sole purpose.  Don't waste your time on this movie, do whatever chores you have been putting off, take a nap, or do anything but watch this train wreck of a film.

Chocolate

Today's movie is the 2008 action film Chocolate which is the only movie that I can remember where the hero of the story is a young autistic woman who knows kung-fu because she memorized the moves from movies. The movie is from the director of Ong-Bak so it had great action scenes but holy shit did this movie have some weird things happening in it.

The film starts out in the middle of an action scene where people are pointing their guns at each other and there appears to be a guy who is kidnapped and possibly tortured. At this time, I was sure that it was going to be one of those plot devices that are very popular in American TV and movies right now where you start at the end, go back to the beginning and work your way back again. Alas, that was not what this movie had in mind and it just keeps chugging along, so to figure out what the hell is going on in that first scene and who everyone is, you just have to piece it together yourself. What I could figure out is it was that it was a Romeo and Juliet type story where a woman from a local gang fell for a guy from gang out of town. A later scene shows that there is some jealously on the part of the crime boss because when he sees these 2 together, he threatens them. I think this scene is lost in translation from Thai to us in America because the crime boss says stern words to the two in love and then shoots himself in the foot as a warning. I didn't quite get how shooting yourself in the foot would scare anyone else, but it freaks out the two and they decide to part, but not after they have had a chance to consummate their relationship.

Of course, since the man has to leave, the woman gets pregnant and has to raise the kid by herself. It is a girl and in no time at all, the mother can tell something is a little off with her daughter. She is severely autistic and keeps to herself except for when she lets her cousin throw things at her face and catches them without looking (again why this is something a person would do escapes me, I am again chalking it up to being lost in translation). Years pass and on top of the nifty catching anything thrown at her trick, the girl becomes a master of kung-fu by watching old movies on TV and copying the moves. This comes in handy when the mother gets sick and the girl, with her cousin, gets a hold of the moms old loan shark book. The 2 decide that the way to help fund a cushy treatment for the mom is to collect on the old debts.

The people who owed money some time ago are really not keen on paying back the debts now and instead sick their workers on the girl. These scenes are really good fight scenes that use props and awesome stunts to their benefit, but the logical part of my brain hurt trying to figure out what was going on. Here are some things I was thinking about at this time:

1. Who has a lot of big guys try to beat up on a girl who is very evidently a troubled girl? Wouldn't you just shoo her away or possibly call the cops? What type of person does this?

2. Why do all these people have cronies working for them that will drop everything to attack at a moments notice? If they were borrowing money, the can't be that high in the organized crime food chain.

3. Are these people that are fighting actually criminals or are they workers at these factories that get caught in the crossfire. While at some of the plants where the fight scenes take place at, I could have sworn some people were just trying to do their work when they got a fist in the face or a kick to the gut.

Anyway, back to the story. After a few fights where this young woman beats the ever loving hell out of countless guys, the story gets out and the jealous crime boss figures out who it is and mistakenly thinks the mom is trying to make a power move. The bosses goons kidnap the cousin and the whole family (cancer mom, long lost dad and autistic kung-fu master daughter) team up to rescue the cousin and take out the crime boss once and for all.

The crime boss is still sore about his toe (apparently over the years he forgot he was the one to shoot his own toe off) and wants to get even with the pair and he does this by killing the mom and stabbing the dad within an inch of his life. This leaves the daughter to make everything all right.

In an awesome fight scene that lasts forever, the daughter takes out many more men and comes face to face with her toughest test on her way to becoming the kung-fu master. A little known fact is that the weakness for all autistic kung-fu masters is kung-fu masters with tourette's syndrome and that is who the boss throws at the daughter next. After the weirdest fight probably in the annals of kung-fu history, she defeats her tourette's afflicted arch rival and chases after the boss.

Another great action scene takes place on the rooftops of a run down business district and it is so much fun to watch, even though I have little idea what is really going on or where all these cronies keep coming from. In the end, the girl prevails, evil is smited and she walks into the sunset with her horribly injured father and cousin.

Chocolat can be summed up as a movie with great action and the weirdest plot I have seen in a very long time. I think most people probably have never seen a action film starring an autistic girl battling a mobster who shoots off his own toes and employs men with tourette's on the off chance that he will use the guy in a battle to the death with said autistic girl. I have no idea who most of the characters were or even remember their names and the plot is lacking to be kind. Watch this movie for both the action scenes and for the fact that a movie like this has never been made before and in all likelihood, will never be made again.

P2

Today's feature film is the 2007 horror pic P2. I remember hearing that this movie was a slasher pic that takes place in a parking garage with a demented security guard played by Wes Bentley from American Beauty. It sounded like a bad idea from the get go and I probably would have never paid it any more attention except for the fact that Roger Ebert gave the movie 3 stars and that the heroine in danger was Rachel Nichols from Alias. By the time she joined Alias: The Complete Fifth Season, I think there was about 7 viewers watching the show but the few of us that watched that season were impressed. While she was still a step down from Jennifer Garner on the show, she held her own pretty well. Since it was on Instant Streaming and I had nothing better to do, I decided to take this movie for a spin.

The movie takes place on Christmas Eve in a high rise and yes, the hero is trapped, but that is where the similarities with Die Hard end. Angela (Rachel Nichols) is working late but it trying to rush out to get to her family's Christmas festivities. She is the last person out of the building so when her car won't start, she finds her self locked in the parking garage. Thankfully, the parking garage security guard is there to help, at least this would have been good if the man wasn't an insane stalker. Thomas (Wes Bentley) seems to be a lonely man and is having Christmas Eve dinner alone with only the security dog to keep him company. Thomas, who doesn't seem to have the best social skills in the world, invites Angela to share in his dinner, but she declines. Thomas does not like the idea that someone would rather spend their holidays with loved ones then total strangers, does what any person would do in this situation, he knocks Angela out, puts lipstick on her and chains her to a chair for dinner.

Angela wakes up and is not to excited about this plan (we start to see why Thomas seems to be lacking friends) and tries to escape. In the beginning, Angela is just merely freaked the hell out but after Thomas "helps" her by killing a handsy guy in her office with his car, she finally decides to make a run for it, no matter what. The movie then becomes a game of cat and mouse between the two of them, turning bloodier and more demented as the night goes on.

I will start by saying that this movie isn't really all that bad. It is directed and edited by someone that knows what they are doing, Wes Bentley plays an unhinged guy pretty well and Angela is not a dumb blond who does everything the exact opposite of what any sane person would do. The problem is that it is not memorable at all. I watched the movie about 8 hours ago and when I was typing up the recap, I really could not remember much about the movie at all. I remember that Angela looked cold throughout the movie, I remember there was a scene with an elevator and water hose that was clever and that is pretty much it. This is a movie that you watch when you are really bored but definitely not something a person should be anticipating with bated breath. Although talented people were involved, I doubt that this movie will end up on anyone's highlight reel.